5 Limiting Beliefs of Anxious High-Achievers

Have you ever heard the term limiting beliefs and wondered But what is a limiting belief, exactly?

Is it just another trendy bit of therapy culture jargon?

Or, is it a real thing, especially for those of us who fit under the anxious high-achiever umbrella?

A reader of my newsletter recently asked:

My coach told me that my lack of confidence at work probably comes from limiting beliefs. As a high-achiever who does struggle with a fair amount of anxiety, this makes sense on some level. But I’m not sure what a limiting belief is exactly, much less how to know if I have them or what to do about them. Whenever I ask my coach about them, he tends to only have vague answers or ideas. I always appreciate how clear and logical your approach is to things like this. Any thoughts?

First of all, let’s get clear on our terms…

Beliefs are relatively enduring convictions about the truth of things:

The world is round.
Coke is better than Pepsi.
Drivers in Los Angeles are terrible.

Limiting beliefs are simply beliefs we hold that limit or hurt us and are typically exaggerated or extreme in nature:

I’m not creative.
People don’t like me.
I’m a worrier.

Having worked with hundreds of anxious high-achievers in my career, I actually do agree that a lot of confidence issues stem at least in part from limiting beliefs—which, yes, are a very real thing. And maybe the best way to explain how they work is to give you some examples.

In the rest of this article, I’m going to walk you through five of the most common limiting beliefs I see in my work with anxious high-achievers, plus some thoughts about how to deal with them.

1. If I Feel Anxious, Something Must Be Wrong.

A lot of the anxious high-achievers I work with struggle with some form of performance anxiety…

Maybe it’s getting nervous or panicky before giving a speech or presentation
Or having a lot of anxiety before being interviewed
Sometimes it’s a spike of social anxiety when they have to meet a bunch of new people

What most people don’t understand about performance anxiety is that it almost always starts with a misinterpretation of bodily sensations.

See, before a significant performance or challenge, it’s perfectly normal (and totally healthy) for your body to release stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol because they improve nearly every aspect of performance from hand-eye coordination and muscle tone to cognitive processing speed and verbal fluency.

But because a side effect of that stress hormone release is some uncomfortable physical sensations—increased heart rate and body temperature, muscle tension, etc.—people often mistakenly assume that something’s wrong. Then, as a result of this catastrophizing about a perfectly normal and healthy reaction, they start to get a lot more anxious…

Responding to a little sweatiness in the palms with Oh my god, I’m getting too anxious. I’ll probably flub this presentation… leads to a lot of excess anxiety and stress which then does make it harder to perform well.
Reacting to elevated heart rate with On no, I’m gonna have a panic attack, everyone’s gonna see it and think I can’t handle stress… leads to way more anxiety which then makes it harder to focus and actually do what you need to do.

Unfortunately, it gets worse…

As a result of this belief that feeling anxious is bad, many high-achievers start to subtly avoid situations that might trigger anxiety: They have a subordinate give the presentation or turn down the speaking opportunity for fear of getting anxious.

But not only does this lead to missing out on important opportunities, it actually makes their anxiety worse in the long run because by avoiding anxiety they’re teaching their brain to fear it, which just makes the anxiety that much more intense the next time.

So, if you want to break this limiting belief, use the following reframe anytime you feel anxious:

Just because anxiety feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad.

Remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal and even healthy to feel some anxiety before and during a big performance. Then refocus your attention on the task at hand instead of getting sucked into a bunch of negative self-talk about the anxiety and what it means.

Learn More:

2. I Need to Feel Confident to Perform at My Best.

This limiting belief is subtle but hugely impactful—and not in a good way…

Most people think about confidence as a feeling. Specifically, they confuse being confident with the absence of fear and anxiety. But this is actually the exact opposite of confidence because if you didn’t feel anxious, you wouldn’t need confidence!

Confidence is a belief, not a feeling.

It’s about trusting that you’ll be okay and perform well despite the fact that you’re feeling anxious.

Think about it:

Do Olympic athletes perform well because they’ve somehow figured out how to eliminate anxiety before a match or performance?
Are musicians able to block out all fear and nervousness before playing a set in front of thousands of people?
Do CEOs and executives of big companies never worry about what other people will think or feel scared of screwing up?

Of course not!

What defines successful performers isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the presence of confidence, which is a belief, not a feeling.

So here’s your reframe:

I can be confident and anxious at the same time and still perform well.

Get in the habit of reminding yourself of this when you feel anxious, and pretty soon your confidence will start to oughtweigh whatever normal anxiety you feel.

Learn More:

3. I Need to Resolve Childhood Traumas to Be Free from My Anxiety.

I’m going to be blunt…

You can’t resolve anything in the past. All you can resolve is what you do in the present.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned but misinformed mental health influencers and coaches have spread the idea that every emotional struggle is the result of some traumatic experience in your past. And that in order to free yourself of that struggle, you need to “process,” “resolve,” or otherwise “work through” whatever those negative events in the past were.

The problem is that neither of those statements are true.

While some emotional struggles certainly originate in traumatic experiences from the past, the idea that all emotional struggles do is pretty absurd when you actually stop and think about it.

And while there’s absolutely a place for intentionally and productively examining the events of our past, the idea that the only way to work through a present struggle is to mine painful experiences from the past for special insights that will (somehow?) free you from your struggles in the here and now is similarly naive.

Here’s the reframe:

Anxiety comes from your habits in the present, not the events of your past.

Regardless of what triggered your anxiety initially, it’s your habits in the here and now that are maintaining that anxiety… Which means if you want to move through your anxiety in a healthy and productive way, the vast majority of “the work” is going to happen in the present—examining, experimenting with, and restructuring your habits of mind and behavior.

Reflecting on your past can be a worthwhile project, but don’t make it a prerequisite for making positive change in the present.

Learn More:

4. If People See I’m Anxious, They’ll Think Less of Me.

There’s a strange sort of narcissism that assumes other people are thinking about us almost constantly—including how anxious we appear. Of course in reality, what people are mostly thinking about is themselves!

Still, to some extent it’s perfectly normal to think about and worry about what other people think—as a species, we’re evolved to be highly attuned to relationships and our standing within groups.

So the first step in undoing this limiting belief is to accept and validate your worry about what others think rather than worrying about your worry or criticizing yourself for it.

The other way to think about this is that putting attention and emotional energy into imagining other people’s assessment of our own anxiety has tremendous opportunity costs—all the time, energy, and brain cycles you’re dedicating to what others think is all time, energy, and brain cycles you can’t dedicate to what you actually want or need to be thinking about and doing.

Here’s a helpful reframe I use and often recommend to my clients:

Other people’s thoughts and feelings are not my responsibility.

Rather than trying to disprove the idea that other people will see that you’re anxious and then think less of you (because, if we’re honest, that probably will happen sometimes!) better to stop playing a game you can’t win and focus squarely on what you have direct control over: Your attention and what you choose to focus on.

Learn More:

6 Expert Tips for Overcoming Social Anxiety →

5. I Need Coping Skills to Manage My Anxiety.

One of my strongest and most controversial beliefs about emotional health is that coping skills—and the mindset they come from—are the largest cause of chronic anxiety.

Let me unpack that…

When you feel anxious, it’s natural to want to feel less anxious because anxiety’s pretty uncomfortable.
The problem is that if you respond to anxiety by coping with it—employing some technique or trick to either lessen its intensity or try to avoid it—you’re teaching your brain a lesson that’s as unhelpful as it is untrue: that anxiety is dangerous.
As a result, even if your coping skills “succeed” in temporarily making you a little less anxious now, it will come at the cost of feeling much more anxious in the future because anytime you get anxious you will then get anxious about being anxious because your brain has learned to view anxiety as a threat.
This is called emotional fear learning and it’s the engine at the heart of chronic anxiety: the more you try to avoid or eliminate anxiety—to cope with it—the more intense it becomes long-term.

Emotional fear learning is why so many people with chronic anxiety are so frustrated: They’ve tried all the coping skills and anxiety tips, but long-term their anxiety only seems to get worse!

The solution, counterintuitive though it may be, is to fundamentally change your mindset and relationship toward anxiety. Rather than viewing anxiety as an enemy—something bad to be eliminated or avoided—you need to start treating it like a friend who’s simply trying to help.

Anxiety is just your brain thinking you’re in danger and activating your fight or flight system to help you deal with that danger. The implication is that your anxiety—though it’s frequently mistaken—always has your best interests at heart and is only trying to help.

So here’s the reframe:

No matter how uncomfortable or misguided, my anxiety is just trying to help.

Paradoxically, the more you are willing to have anxiety, the less intense it will be long-term. Because by approaching your anxiety instead of avoiding it, your brain is learning that it’s safe, which makes you less anxious about being anxious in the future.

Learn More: