Values are principles that guide and motivate our behavior. But our values are not always our own…
- As children, we inherit values from our families.
- As young adults, we adopt the values of our friends and celebrities.
- And in middle age and beyond, we often cling to values of our younger selves.
That’s not to say that all of our inherited values are irrelevant or unhelpful—but many of them are. And if we don’t do the work to reflect on them, we’re likely to end up carrying around values that no longer serve us or actively interfere with the life we want to live.
In fact, a surprising number of emotional struggles—from anxiety and procrastination to depression and burnout—often stem from unacknowledged values conflicts.
The following questions can help you reflect on what your personal values are and how well they’re serving you. Simply reading through them is fine, but to get the most out of them, I recommend taking a few minutes and writing down your thoughts, memories, and experiences for each, then asking what they tell you about your values.
1. When was a time you felt deeply proud of yourself?
What specifically did you do that resulted in feeling proud of yourself?
The emotion of pride is a very good indicator that we’re living in alignment with our values. Guilt, on the other hand, is an indicator that our actions are out of alignment with our values.
2. Who are your people? What 3 words best define them?
For example: My people are GENUINE, AMBITIOUS, and CONSIDERATE. Or: my people are KIND, PLAYFUL, and ADVENTUROUS.
The best qualities of people you most admire and enjoy spending time with are often a reflection of your most deeply-held values.
3. What virtue is undersupplied in today’s world?
If everyone were a little more __________________, the world would be a much better place.
Try to think outside the box on this one. What’s an answer to this question other people would be surprised to hear you say?
hat tip: Nan
4. When are you most likely to feel angry?
What’s an issue or cause that you’re willing to get into a serious disagreement about, even if the costs are high?
Anger-related emotions are often your brain’s way of telling you that things are misaligned and need to be corrected, which signals a violation of values.
5. Think about a low point in your life: What was missing most?
There’s an old saying:
Never let a good crisis go to waste.
Crises of any kind are always opportunities to reflect on our values:
- A major surgery is an opportunity to reflect on what health-related values are most important to us.
- A breakup or divorce is an opportunity to reflect on what relational values are most important to us.
- A failure at work is an opportunity to reflect on what professional values are most important to us.
6. If you had $10 million dollars that you had to give away, what would you do with it?
There are thousands of ways to be helpful, but what’s the specific cause, group, or need that most lights you up?
How you most enjoy being helpful is an underrated window into your values.
7. What’s a difficult sacrifice you’ve made that you could have easily avoided?
The inverse of this question is also helpful when it comes to values:
What’s a sacrifice you avoided that, in hindsight, you wish you had made?
8. What’s the best team or group you’ve ever been a part of and what made it special?
It could be an athletic team, a musical group, a work team, a study group at school, a book club or Bible study group, a support group, etc.
What two values did that team represent more than anything else?
9. Who’s someone you admire but who’s life you would not want?
I like this one because it gets at values and anti-values.
If values help guide you down the right path, anti-values are like a stop sign that tells you to avoid going down the wrong path.
10. What activities or situations make you feel most like yourself?
Many of us put so much effort into becoming better that we lose touch with what makes us lovely, interesting, and admirable now.
This question gets at an important dissection in values work: actual values vs aspirational values.
Learn More
If you enjoyed this essay, here are a few more from me that might be helpful:
- How to Clarify Your Values
- 10 Self-Coaching Questions to Get Unstuck
- 10 Questions for Better Self-Awareness
Work with Me
If you’re interested in working with me directly, I have a small mindset coaching practice for anxious high-achievers.
