How to Handle Other People’s Bad Moods Like a Pro

Here’s a question I get asked a lot as a therapist:

How do you sit there and listen to people’s problems all day? Don’t you get depressed?

To be honest, not really.

You might imagine all that sadness, frustration, anxiety, and shame my clients tell me about would start to rub off on a guy after a while. But, if anything, I feel like I’m a little better at managing both my own emotions and other peoples’ because I get to practice all day long as a result of my job as a therapist.

The point is: Managing other people’s bad moods and difficult emotions well is an ability that can be practiced and strengthened.

In this article, I want to share 5 specific skills that help me to effectively and respectfully handle other people’s difficult emotions.

If you can learn to cultivate them, these skills will help you keep your cool in every relationship in your life, especially the most important ones like spouses, bosses, parents, children, etc.


1. Treat strong emotion as a puzzle, not a problem

When someone close to us is racked with anxiety, overwhelmed by sadness, or just incredibly frustrated, it’s natural to see their emotion as a problem—something to be taken care of and resolved quickly. This is why we so often turn to advice-giving when people we care about are upset.

But as I’m sure you’ve come to learn, giving advice to someone in the throes of a bad mood is typically unhelpful at best and often counterproductive.

Instead of viewing someone’s bad mood as a problem to be fixed, what if we shifted our perspective slightly and tried to see it as a puzzle?

Viewing someone’s emotion as a problem puts us in a moral frame of mind—we think of the emotion as something bad to be gotten rid of quickly.

On the other hand, thinking of it as a puzzle puts us in a mindset of curiosity. And when we’re curious about another person’s emotion, it’s far easier to be validating, understanding, and empathetic, which is what most people experiencing strong, painful emotions really need.

So, pay attention to your own self-talk when someone you care about is very emotional. How are you thinking about their emotion to yourself? Try to catch and hold back on thoughts like:

  • Don’t they see this isn’t doing them any good!
  • If only they knew how much they impacted other people, they’d never be like this.

And instead, substitute more curiosity-driven questions:

  • What could be going on in their mind that would lead to so many painful feelings?
  • What kinds of external situations or circumstances might have set them up for feeling this way?
  • Even though they don’t like feeling sad, is there some kind of benefit they might be getting from it?

When you shift from problem-thinking to puzzle-thinking, your mindset becomes driven by curiosity rather than morality, which is far more helpful in an emotionally-intense situation, both for you and the person across from you.

When someone you care about is in a bad mood, try to understand how and why they’re feeling the way they are rather than how it can be fixed.

2. Try some Reverse Empathy

Empathy is the act of putting yourself in another person’s shoes and trying to imagine what it must be like to live in their skin—with their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and circumstances.

And while empathy is obviously an important skill to cultivate for all sorts of reasons, there’s a version of it that’s especially helpful for managing other people’s bad moods. I call it, Reverse Empathy.

Reverse Empathy: Rather than putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, try to remember a time when you wore the same shoe.

In other words, try to recall a time when you struggled in a similar way and with a similar set of difficult emotions and moods.

For example, if they’re really frustrated and angry, think back on a time when you were so frustrated you couldn’t seem to think straight:

  • What happened to get you that angry?
  • What kinds of thoughts and emotions were racing around your mind?
  • What did the people around you do?
  • And maybe most importantly, what do you remember wanting, needing, or wishing for when you felt that way?

Often, Reverse Empathy can be a more powerful way to appreciate someone else’s struggle because it’s based on your own experiences rather than hypothetical ones.

And the more you can relate yourself to what they’re going through, the better your odds of being genuinely helpful and supportive to the person next to you, not to mention being less reactive and emotional yourself.

3. Be a Mirror, not a Mechanic

Without a doubt, the number one mistake I see people (especially couples) make in their communication with each other is that they get stuck in “Fix-it Mode.”

Bob feels bad and starts describing how he feels and why he thinks he feels that way to Shelly. Because she sees that Bob is in pain and struggling, Shelly’s natural reaction is to try and alleviate or eliminate Bob’s suffering.

But here’s the thing:

Most people struggling emotionally don’t want someone to fix their pain, they want to feel understood.

Bake that into your brain because it’s one of the most counterintuitive but universally true laws of human psychology I can think of. And once you really believe it and start acting accordingly, everybody starts feeling better.

So, how do we get out of a Fix-it Mindset and start helping people feel understood? The best way is to practice a technique called Reflective Listening.

Reflective Listening means that when someone tells you something, you simply reflect back to them what they said, either literally or with your own slight spin on it.

For example:

  • Your boss: I can’t believe Teddy embarrassed me like that in front of the whole staff! You: Sounds like you were really embarrassed.
  • Your husband: You never listen, you’re always just giving me advice. You: It seems like you feel as though I tend to just give advice without really listening to what you’re saying.

Now, I know this might sound silly or condescending at first blush, but I promise you it works.

The reason is, it’s not about the content of what they’re saying, it’s about how they feel. Yes, they know and you know that they were really embarrassed at work. The real value of reflecting back what they just said is that it helps them feel like you are with them—that you’re connected, and understanding, and on their side.

By mirroring another person’s experience you’re giving them something far more valuable than advice—you’re giving them genuine connection.

4. Validate Your Own Emotions

One of the hardest things about other people’s bad moods is the emotions they tend to stir up in us:

  • Our spouse is sad and melancholic and we get frustrated.
  • Our boss is anxious and overbearing which makes us feel anxious too.
  • Our parent is angry and irritable and we respond with annoyance and sarcasm.

The trouble is, once we’re deep into a spiral of our own negative emotion, it’s hard to have enough mental and emotional bandwidth to navigate our own mood and that of someone else. This is why we often react to other people’s bad moods in a way that ultimately isn’t helpful to them, us, or the relationship.

The solution is to get better at noticing and managing our own emotional responses early so that they don’t balloon out of control. And the best way I know of to do that is through a process called Validation.

Validation simply means acknowledging our own emotions and validating that they’re okay and reasonable.

For example, suppose your spouse or partner has been worked up all evening about some incident at work. They’re frustrated, angry, a little bit anxious, and there’s no sign of it letting up. While you’ve been able to tolerate it for the past couple hours, you feel yourself starting to get annoyed with them.

Rather than A) acting on this annoyance and saying something unhelpful to your spouse, or B) becoming judgmental of yourself for feeling annoyed with them, you could validate your own annoyance.

You could pause for a few seconds, acknowledge that you’re feeling annoyed and frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that it’s okay and natural to feel that way, and then ask yourself what the most helpful way to move forward might be.

5. Clarify Your Responsibility

A common pitfall I see people make when trying to deal effectively with other people’s bad moods is to overextend their responsibility to that person to include how they feel.

Let me unpack that a bit:

  • We can only be responsible for things that we can control.
  • Emotions, by their very nature, are not directly under our control.
  • Because we can’t control emotions directly, we’re not responsible for them—either our own, or crucially, those of other people.
  • However, we are responsible for our actions—for how we choose to behave and think.
  • When we assume responsibility for things beyond our control, we set ourselves up for unnecessary frustration, disappointment, and resentment.
  • On the other hand, when we are clear about what we actually have control over—and therefore responsibility for—we’re able to deploy our efforts and resources as effectively as possible.

In short, because you can’t directly control how someone feels, you’re not responsible for it.

So much unnecessary struggle, conflict and wasted energy come from a fundamental misunderstanding about what’s really under our control. On the other hand, it’s amazing how much genuinely helpful energy gets freed up when you remove the burden of excess responsibility from yourself.

When you stop expecting to be able to make someone feel better, you can start taking real steps to connect with them in a heartfelt way and become genuinely supportive.


All You Need to Know

Bad moods and painful emotions are hard to handle, both in ourselves but also in the people we work and live with. While it’s not possible to “fix” another person’s emotional struggles, there are a handful of practical skills you can learn to help you be more genuinely supportive and helpful in the face of other people’s bad moods.

And even if you fail completely to help the other person—or have no interest in doing so—skills like self-validation and reflective listening will help you stay calm and effective instead of reactive and impulsive in the face of other people’s bad moods.

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This article came at the perfect time for me. I know this is something I struggle with and I think this article will be so beneficial. Thank you!

Great article Nick. Would you say that we all just want to be understood if we’re behaving emotionally? Or are we sometimes looking for a solution to what ever is making us emotional? I often wonder if this is what determines whether things like talking therapies are effective. They seem to work for some people and not for others. I’d love to hear your views on it. Note: I am not a psychologist or therapist, just interested in this area.

Thanks Ian! I think, in general, we all crave genuine understanding and validation. Whether that’s what underlies acting emotionally… I’m not sure. That could very well be the case sometimes, but it’s also possible to have a lot of emotionally driven behavior that is the result of simple habit (often internal, mental habit). E.g. If you have the habit of being overly-critical in your self-talk whenever you make a mistake, you’re going to habitually feel a lot of excess emotion.

This, undoubtedly, will go a long way to improve on my relationship with my dear ones. God bless you, Nick

So helpful Nick, thanks for the article, although I tend to disagree with this premise: “we are responsible for our actions (since we can control them), how we choose to behave and think”, I believe we really don’t either, if the emotions are strong enough, if mild maybe, thanks again

Thanks, Raul! Yeah, “control” is a complex term, so you’re right in a sense. The bigger point was to suggest that we have a lot more relative control over thoughts and behaviors than we do emotions.

When I have a fall out with my husband I find that he can put it behind him relatively quickly and I cannot. I need ‘time out’ to reflect and basically to calm myself. I find that I resent my husband’s getting over it and getting on with life approach. This is possibly due to my reasoning that if a disagreement becomes heated then being able to switch emotions so quickly means indifference and a lack of empathy. Why do I need a cooling off period and my husband doesn’t ? My needing to take this type of action frequently makes me feel petty and childish. What is the best way to tackle this issue ?

Hi Linda,

First of all, everybody’s different. It may just be that temperamentally emotions are a little stickier for you than for your husband. That’s not a bad thing necessarily, it just is what it is.

However, in my experience, it’s often the case that women spend more time processing and exploring their difficult emotions, which leads to them lasting longer. Whereas men tend to ignore them, which in the short term feels better, but can have some pretty negative consequences in the long-term.

In general, I’d say try not to get to down on yourself for the differences between you guys—that’s only going to make it worse.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. In my marriage, I move forward quickly and my husband processes things longer. Your sharing helped me understand him better.

The biggest problems in my marriage are that 1) his attitude is “my way or no way” and 2) whatever I suggest, he turns into my criticizing him. Is this a common trait among men or it is unique to the Chinese men? How do I handle these issues.

Thank you for this! I’m going to attempt putting these tips into practice. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, my wife isn’t exactly the “Let’s sit down and talk about our feelings” type. She rarely apologizes and doesn’t much value when I do, so dissolving an argument is usually just a matter of waiting for the fire to burn out. Usually, the best course of action (which admittedly, I’m not very good at) is to just keep my opinions to myself. Using any type of statement with the word “you” in it, doesn’t often fare well. I’m curious if you think that just keeping my mouth shut is ever a healthy option in order to keep the peace?

I definitely think there’s a time and place to just keep our mouths shut!

However, if it’s an important issue that you feel needs to be brought up, schedule a time to bring it up later, hopefully when emotions have cooled.

Tysm for this article, it’s really helped me out especially w ppl in my own life and how to relate and help when they’re emotional

Wow, this article is absolutely genius!!..I am a beautician, so as you can imagine in a single day, I can go from having a client that’s elated because her fiancé has just proposed to her, to a client that has just experienced the loss of a loved one..Sometimes by the end of my work day I was left so emotionally exhausted, I would simply isolate myself from everyone and everything, until it was time to do it all over again..As you can imagine, that left all of my relationships outside of work almost completely nonexistent..I have a wonderful, loving family outside of work, so that then led to feelings of guilt and sadness for not being there for them and spending time with them like I should’ve been..Not only have you completely helped me to change my outlook on the “bad mood” but you have explained it in such a way that I completely understood..I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this article and am actually enthusiastic about going to do the job I love to do and using these skills to not only benefit my professional life, but also my personal life..You have enlightened me and made my heart feel so much lighter.. : ) Absolutely wonderful article <3

Big thanx for this article. So glad to come across this,so useful in my life right now, will apply in dealing with my adult son & husband.

Thanks Nick. I’ve been going to communication workshops, classes, seminars, etc. for years, and rarely run into occasions when I have the opportunity to do these things. I seem to have a problem when they start playing mind games, are dishonest, or get incoherent. Onward through the fog

I understand where this article is coming from and can see why it is helpful to some… I am definitely guilty of wanting to help my partner in their time of need, and resolve the problem…which is not welcome and I can fully understand why. I’m at the point where my partner has worn me down, their mood swings are really ruining my a large portion of the time we spend together. I have been that person who has followed the above, and I guess I’ve become really inpatient and see it as a problem. I want to get my patience back. My partner knows he has issues he needs to resolve with therapy, but is dragging his feet. I don’t want to lose my partner, I want to be able to cope with this and some how learn to detach myself by following step 5 you have set out. Can you give me any pointers??
Do you recommend seeing a couples therapist??

Dear Nick,

Thank you so much for your articles, I have been reading for some times and now signed up for your podcast too. Growing up struggling with a lot of feelings and not enough tools to manage them, your guidance is very much appreciated. Any more articles for the anxious attachment style, self worth and boundaries would be of great anticipation : ) Thank you for such genuinely amazing work!

Hi Nick, Thank you for the article, this is the best tool I have found. It will go a long way to help me. My question (maybe out of the scope of your topics), if the source and underlying cause of the problem is never addressed or fixed (or am I trying to be a mechanics instead of a mirror again), the tool can alleviate the symptoms, but how can I fix the disease?

Another really good article. The idea of validating your emotions is so useful. Have lots of challenges at tHe moment but am saving so much time as being able to say It’s ok how I feel and not worrying about it

such a useful article. Thank you. It is really well written and easy to understand. I am going to try these techniques out on my needy friend and annoying husband 😉

Great article. I have clients who absorb like sponges the emotions of their loved ones, I would describe them as having sensitive personalities, so if a friend was really upset they would become very upset too, sometimes for many days. Is there a name for this so I can research some more ? Thanks !

Hello- yes I agree with all your very good points. However I think there is something to be said about taking on the role of ‘the grown-up’ in a relationship- meaning I am tasked with sorting and managing the emotions for both of us. I have to confess that at the age of 60+ I am not willing to waste my time. Harsh I know but I am so much happier with this boundary.

I’m sorry, but 1-3 don’t work.
1. She doesn’t appreciate when I try to trace back what could make her feel that way or what the silver lining could be. That just feels like more problem-solving and talking-over to her.
2. Our brains are so completely opposite that thinking of a time I wore the same shoe backfires. She also doesn’t appreciate me sharing a similar story because, again, she perceives it as me talking over her, and she dismisses every experience I share as irrelevant to her problem because they’re not exactly the same.
3. This doesn’t work. She thinks I’m an idiot when I repeat what she’s saying. “I’m telling you how I feel,” “That’s what I’m saying,” “That’s why I’m telling you,” are common responses.

I will try 4 and 5, though it’s a little hard to give myself a moment to collect myself when she yells and/or chases me around the house for trying to do so.

I feel completely stuck and lost. I feel like I have tried everything to be a supportive partner only to be critiqued on my supportive skills. I feel like nothing I say matters or is right. Only listening is not an option because invariably she asks me to say something, only to tell me what I said is wrong. Also, if I’m just sitting or lying there without saying anything, honestly I start to feel myself disengage. I’ve tried just letting her talk but she notices and rightfully accuses me of not being present. I need to work on what’s causing that and I think 4 could help.

I’m sorry, but 1-3 don’t work.
1. She does not appreciate when I try to trace out what could make her feel that way or try to find the silver lining. This just feels like more problem-solving and talking-over to her.
2. Our brains are so differently wired that thinking about myself wearing the same shoe backfires–I have completely different wants and needs from living the same experience.
3. She thinks I’m an idiot for repeating what she said. Common responses include, “That’s what I’m saying,” or “That’s why I’m telling you.

I feel lost. I want to support her but feel like I can’t do so without being critiqued. If I take a moment to collect myself, as you suggest in 4, she chases me around the house and yells at me.

Staying silent is not an option because a) She invariably asks me to speak and then tells me what I said was wrong, or b) rightfully calls me out for not being present, because honestly I start to disengage if I’m forced to sit or lie there without saying anything. I definitely need to explore what’s going on, and hopefully 4 and 5 will do the trick.

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Hi Nick,
Thanks for the information on reflection and ruminating and the end results. Also how to manage other people’s emotions that stirs you. Great approach for me to put into practice.
Very great full for your learning experience and sharing
Gillian

I love to help people and I always carry everyone’s emotions it seems and its draininggg. In fear that I may combine my emotions with theirs (from my personal life too) I just avoid people in the business of real estate, fearing that I may not be able to help and I may make matters worth. I have to get this mindset right. Great read!

Thank you. Excellent practical skills to acquire. I struggled with this during the lockdown when my husband took out on me his frustrations and it took so much energy for me to remain composed and without reacting.

“Rather than A) acting on this annoyance and saying something unhelpful to your spouse, or B) becoming judgmental of yourself for feeling annoyed with them, you could validate your own annoyance.
You could pause for a few seconds, acknowledge that you’re feeling annoyed and frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that it’s okay and natural to feel that way, and then ask yourself what the most helpful way to move forward might be.”
I find a bit of contradiction here, if you acknowledge and express that you are feeling annoyed, this might aggravate your partner and heat up their frustration. As you said, we can’t control how others feel, when they take long time to process negative events and regurgitate, they may become even angrier and misunderstand you.

I don’t think he’s meaning necessarily telling your partner, but more acknowledging it within yourself. Telling yourself it’s ok and normal to be frustrated at them and exploring you feelings within yourself. If that makes sense.

Of course you could talk about how you felt together if you needed to, but would likely be better if you wanted until later when emotions etc have settled and both more likely to be receptive. But in the moment, I think he meant more acknowledge to yourself that it’s ok to be annoyed with your spouse.

Of course you could talk about how you felt together if you needed to, but would likely be better if you wanted until later when emotions etc have settled and both more likely to be receptive. But in the moment, I think he meant more acknowledge to yourself that it’s ok to be annoyed with your spouse.

Of course maybe talk to them if want to but at another time when less heated and in the emotions of the moment. When you’re more likely to both be receptive

Oops apologies if multiple replies from me appear, but computer seems to be playing up and not showing message posted.

love your articles, I like the part you said switch from fix mode to understood mode, like emotionally speaking that’s great , but I think not only by saying what the people just said in other words , will make another person feel understood if is not genuine, i understand have empathy is very important , but for some people is very hard to feel empathy for others .

my case my partner apparently does not feel empathy for my feelings ,and that’s the reason why I don’t feel understood or connected with him , and is very frustrating

greetings from Colombia nick 🙂

Thanks for the article Nick, and now I’ll start putting them into practice. I will also save this article for future reference as I’m sure I’ll have to revisit often…

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My partner is angry and extremely judgemental. I would go so far as to say she’s becoming hateful, for example talking about how certain people should die. Here’s the problem – I just don’t want to be around that any more. When I get up and leave, emotionally and/or physically, she says I’m not being supportive. Which is true. I’m just done with it. Sigh.

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