Jung’s Window

jungs window wignall

When we get upset at someone, it’s rarely just their behavior that bothers us. Usually, it has more to do with what that behavior represents or symbolizes.

For example:

  • He’s such a jerk! I’m not just upset because he said something mean. I’m upset because it feels like he’s always mean.
  • She doesn’t care about me. I’m not just upset because she ignored me. I’m upset because of what I think her ignoring me means—that she doesn’t care about me.
  • They’re just too impatient! I’m not just upset because they made a mistake. I’m upset because I think they make mistakes because they’re too impatient.

Put more metaphorically, when someone upsets us, it’s like we’re looking at a window. But we don’t just notice the outside—we look through the window and infer something about what’s happening inside—their motivations, intentions, feelings, beliefs, or character. And to some extent those observations might be true. Just like we can see inside other people’s homes and infer something about their behavior and psychology by watching them through a window, we can pay attention to other people’s behavior, and from it, infer things about their psyche. In psychology, this is called theory of mind.

Of course, this is precarious because no matter how clear the window, there’s still a lot we can’t know—or can’t know very confidently—just by observing someone through a window. Similarly, there’s still a lot we can’t know about a person’s inner life by inference. So we should be cautious and humble when we exercise this skill. I think we can all relate to getting in trouble in a relationship because our mind reading abilities weren’t quite as stellar as we thought they were.

But there’s another thing about windows—physical and psychic—that we often don’t realize: while they’re transparent, they’re also reflective. The glass in a window not only allows us to see through it but also to see ourselves in the reflection.

Try it: stand a few feet away from a window and focus on something outside/inside. Then shift your focus to what’s being reflected in the window, including yourself. With the right lighting, it’s possible to see both, but it requires reframing—an effortful shifting of attention and focus.

What we observe, think, and feel about others is always an opportunity to learn more about ourselves.

I’ve started calling this little introspection technique Jung’s Window after one of Carl Jung’s insights:

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Sometimes this is literally a 1:1 correspondence. I criticize other people for being inauthentic in order to distract from the fact that I am inauthentic myself in some important ways. It’s a defense mechanism; in this case, a variant of reaction formation.

But often the correspondence is less direct. I analyze other people’s flaws because it helps me avoid considering my own. Reframed more constructively: I can use the flaws I observe in others to learn about and work on myself.

For example:

  • When someone acts selfishly toward me, I could start ruminating and obsessing over it and telling myself stories about what a jerk they are. This is a temporary ego-boost, but I don’t learn anything. And I’ll probably end up more stressed, angry, and resentful.
  • But it’s also an opportunity to ask myself: When do I act selfishly toward others and what can I do to improve?
  • I might go on to realize that, say, I often act selfishly when I’m tired and overwhelmed. So if I wanted to work on being less selfish, finding ways to improve my energy levels might be a good place to start.
  • As a bonus, this insight might even help me have a little more compassion for the person acting selfishly toward me.

Jung’s proposal that we can channel our frustration at others into self-understanding is challenging, of course. And I certainly fail to do it more often than I succeed. But as a rule, the greater the challenge, the greater the opportunity for growth.

So the next time someone irritates you, try to remember Jung’s Window and see what you can learn by shifting from transparency to reflection.

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