How to Take Feedback without Getting Defensive

I was chatting recently with a client of mine who’s an HR executive for a software company. She was telling me how, after a 360 review process with her colleagues, she got some very consistent feedback about her tendency to get defensive.

While she was describing it, she said something along the lines of:

As an HR professional, this was tough to hear because it’s something I should be good at given my profession and training.

I told her it’s perfectly normal to feel defensive after negative feedback and criticism, whatever your profession. I’m a psychologist and it happens to me all the time!

But if you want to manage your defensiveness well—and become a great receiver of criticism and feedback—you have to expand your concept of what defensiveness is and how it works…

1. Differentiate Feeling Defensive from Acting Defensive

Feeling defensive and acting defensive are related but very different things. And knowing the difference is the most important first step to handling defensiveness and taking feedback well.

Feeling defensive refers to a set of emotions that result from the perception of being criticized or attacked,—usually some combination of anger, anxiety, and guilt or shame. To a large extent, feeling defensive is inevitable and not something you have any direct control over. If it helps, remember that everyone who receives negative negative feedback—no matter how stoic or serene they appear on the outside—is feeling some amount of defensiveness.
Acting defensive refers to the actions you take in response to feeling defensive. Common ways people act defensively include excuse-making, criticizing back, giving someone the silent treatment, and sarcasm. But no matter how automatic these actions feel, it’s critical to understand that—unlike your emotions—you always have control over your behaviors and what you choose to do (or not do). Which means that when you see someone else who’s exceptionally good at not getting defensive, it’s because they’re skilled at managing their impulses to act defensively.

So how do you get better at managing your defensive behaviors?

Ironically, by being more aware of the emotions that precede them…

2. Validate the Emotions Behind Defensiveness

If the key to not getting defensive is to control your defensive behaviors, the key to controlling your defensive behaviors is to understand and address the root cause of those behaviors. Or, put another way:

What needs are your defensive behaviors addressing?

Almost always, defensive behaviors are coping mechanisms for difficult emotions.

For example:

If your partner criticizes your idea for next summer’s vacation, you might criticize their vacation idea from last year because it distracts you from, say, the pain of disappointment you feel as a result of your partner not liking your idea.
If your coworker gives you some harsh feedback on your report, you might give them the silent treatment because it boosts your ego by making you feel like the victim and them the enemy.

The implication here is that you can put your defensive behaviors out of job, so to speak, by addressing the needs they serve in a different, healthier way.

Enter validation…

Emotional validation means reminding yourself that just because an emotion feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad—or you’re bad for feeling it. It’s a quick bit of self-talk that’s simultaneously realistic and supportive.

Here are a few examples:

I don’t like feeling anxious, but it’s not surprising given that my team found a major flaw in my proposal.
It kind of scares me to feel this angry, but most people would get angry if their spouse was rude and judgmental about a well-intentioned suggestion.
I don’t like feeling sad but it’s a normal, healthy thing to feel. It’s okay.

The more you practice validating your emotional reactions to negative feedback, the easier time you will have controlling your defensive behaviors.

But a common question I hear from clients I work with is something like:

Okay, I’ve validated my emotions but now what?

The final step to handling negative feedback well is to change your mindset around what criticism and negative feedback actually means to you…

3. Reframe Criticism As an Opportunity, not an Attack

Much of the emotional pain we feel after being criticized or given negative feedback comes from a subtle mindset that views criticism as an attack on our character, core beliefs, or self-worth. Feeling a lot of painful emotions as a result makes sense: If someone really was criticizing the essence of who you are, you would understandably feel quite angry, sad, fearful, or ashamed.

But the vast majority of the time, that’s not the case. Most criticism and feedback—even if it’s delivered poorly or insensitively—is ultimately well-intentioned. And whether you actually believe that or not, operating as if it’s true is usually the most pragmatic way to deal with criticism and feedback. And to do that, here’s what I recommend:

Reframing criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than an attack.

Seen from this perspective, no matter how negative the criticism (or how well or poorly intentioned), it’ is ultimately a positive thing because it’s an opportunity for you to become better and grow.

So, after you’ve listened to the feedback and acknowledge and validated your defensive emotions, try to ask yourself this question: