Reader Mailbag: Winter 2026

Brief answers to questions from newsletter readers:

Do you have any book recommendations for dealing with depression? The Mindful Way Through Depression + Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time
What’s your favorite book about anxiety? I’ve been re-reading Meditations for Mortals and it’s excellent (I interviewed the author, Oliver Burkeman about it here).
I just finished my training as a therapist and I was wondering if you had any advice for a new therapist just getting started? Learn broadly, practice narrowly.
What do you think of metacognitive therapy? Way underrated, especially in the US.
You often write about mental health issues like anxiety and chronic worry but almost never about specific disorders like Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Why is that? I want to help people think more clearly and carefully about their emotional struggles; psychiatric diagnoses tend to do the opposite.
Is grief an emotion or a process? Both (I wish we had separate words for grief the emotion vs grief the process).
What’s your best tip for managing social anxiety? Don’t worry about social anxiety (seriously, worry about social anxiety is almost always the biggest factor maintaining social anxiety, so practice validating the anxiety without worrying about it).
What causes generalized anxiety? Generalized worry.
I’ve tried setting boundaries with my wife (she criticizes and belittles me constantly), but she just keeps doing it. How do I convince her to respect my boundaries? Setting boundaries is about your behavior not theirs—it’s about how you will respond to their violations, not convincing them to change.
Who’s your favorite podcast guest you’ve ever interviewed? I love all my guests equally (but one of them ended up becoming a good friend even though we’d never met before the interview, so that’s pretty cool!)
Why is it so hard for me to say “no” to people? Because you think you’re responsible for how they feel.
Do you think couples therapy actually works? Assuming both parties actually want things to improve (as opposed to one secretly hoping things will end without them having to be the bad guy by initiating it), my experience is that both parties doing their own individual work is much more helpful and should definitely be a prerequisite for doing couples work.
I constantly feel like an imposter at work (I’m an attorney at a large law firm). How do I get over this? Get a different job (I’m not being glib: most people who are chronically unhappy at work are probably just in a job that’s not a good fit for them—often because they lack clarity on their values).
My boyfriend has a lot of anxiety. But whenever I try to help it seems to only make things worse. Do you have any advice? Spend some time thinking carefully about how your own anxiety about his anxiety affects the way you interact.
Do you think everyone should go to therapy, even if they feel fine? No
I keep self-sabotaging right when things start going well. Why do I do this? The devil you know
How do I stop waking up with a racing heart in the middle of the night? Get a medical exam.
Can a person ever be fully cured of an anxiety disorder? Yes
How do I forgive someone who hasn’t apologized yet? I’d spend some time reflecting on why you believe they need to apologize in order for you to forgive them.
Do you believe in the concept of finding your soulmate? Yes, but I’m not sure we have the same definition of soulmate.
How do you personally handle failure and rejection? For better or worse, I move on from things quickly.
Is mindfulness meditation actually necessary for good mental health? No
What’s the best way to handle a panic attack when you’re in public? The weird truth about panic attacks is that, regardless of where you are, the best way through is to be 100% willing to have it.
Are there any psychological benefits to letting yourself get angry? Anger’s a very useful emotion but a lot of people have trouble with it because they conflate it with aggression.
I have a problem with being too defensive both at work and at home and especially with my husband. What do you suggest? The key with defensiveness is to: 1) differentiate the act of being defensive (shutting down after being criticized, for example, or immediately criticizing someone else in order to deflect the focus away from yourself) from the emotions behind defensiveness (usually some kind of fear or shame) and 2) Validate those emotions.
Can you actually learn to be an optimist, or are you just born that way? Let me reframe the question: In this moment, can I choose to think more optimistically?
Do you think remote work is fundamentally bad for our long-term mental health? No
Whenever I get a vague “we need to talk” message, I tend to start worrying and catastrophizing. How do I stop this? Ask people to be more specific when they message you (for any question about anxiety, be more assertive is almost certainly a good—if not the best—answer).
How do I build discipline when I have absolutely zero motivation to start? Discipline often comes down to getting creative about finding ways to enjoy something that’s unpleasant.
What are your thoughts on using psychiatric medication for the rest of your life? Pros and cons
What’s the biggest difference you see in how men and women process emotion? I’m never sure what people mean by the term process emotion, but if what you’re asking is what’s the biggest difference in how men and women respond to emotion, I can’t say that I’ve seen any differences that generalize.
I just turned 20 last week. What advice would you give to someone entering their twenties today? Find people you admire and stick with them.