Reader Mailbag: Guest Edition with Dr. Ryan Martin

This edition of reader mailbag is a guest post by Dr. Ryan Martin.

Brief answers to questions from newsletter readers:

Is being hangry really a thing? Absolutely. The science shows that low blood sugar predicts anger and aggression.
Why are millennials so ungrateful? I didn’t know they were, but if they are it’s because we’ve provided them an extremely challenging economic environment and then judged them for now being successful.
How can I get better at saying no without feeling guilty? Practice. Say no when it’s the right thing to do, give yourself a good rationale (but don’t spend too much time trying to convince yourself) and in a few weeks reevaluate to see how bad the outcome really was.
What’s your best advice for being more patient? Go into situations with reasonable expectations and distract yourself with something different when you need to.
How do I find a good therapist? Shop around.
What’s the opposite of grief? There’s no true opposite of grief but if we want to get philosophical about it, let’s say connection.
I often feel overwhelmed by all the things I’m supposed to be doing for my mental health and then I end up not doing any of them. Ugh… This is often a problem, so pick three small things (e.g., daily five minute walk, gratitude practice, staying hydrated) and do them for a month to see what happens.
How come panic attacks seem to come out of the blue? There are two types, cued and uncued, but I would argue that even the uncued have some cause that people just haven’t identified yet (i.e., keep looking for the patterns).
What’s the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? It’s grayer than I wish it were but boundaries are about protection and ultimatums are about control.
I have a history of getting romantically involved with emotionally immature men. Why does this keep happening? Two reasons: one because most men are emotionally immature (so your dating pool is mostly them) and also probably because they meet an emotional need you have (so focus on trying to figure out what that need is).
I have a family member who’s struggling emotionally but won’t ask for or take help. What’s the best way to convince someone who doesn’t want help to get/take it? You often can’t, but you can demonstrate concern and make support visible and easy when they are ready.
What do you think of inner child work? It’s good to understand where your patterns come from, but eventually you’ve got to focus on your adult habits.
What is the single best habit or practice for mental health? Moderate outdoor exercise daily will elevate your mood, help you sleep, and clear your thinking.
I’m addicted to doomscrolling. Any advice? Truly addicted? Delete the apps or set up clear tech induced time limits, and then find some activity you can do to distract yourself.
Do you agree with banning social media for kids? Yes, all the evidence says it’s harmful.
Why do I cry when I’m angry? Because you’re also feeling powerless.
I’m married to a narcissist. How do I cope? Do you have to stay? If you do, set firm boundaries with them and seek outside support from friends (or a therapist).
What do you think about the current trend of adult children cutting off their parents? It’s healthy when parents are truly toxic or damaging, but you want to make sure that’s the case as the implications are significant.
How can I train myself to be more decisive? Practice. Make a decision about something relatively unimportant with only 60% of the information and stick to it (repeat until it feels comfortable).
My therapist recommended art therapy for my anxiety but it seems silly. Thoughts? If you think it won’t work, it probably won’t work, but I would still try it with an open mind because the evidence suggests it can work.
What do you think of Freud? A interesting philosopher who was maybe right about a few things, but definitely wrong about a lot of things.
How do you actually let things go? Years ago my father did something awful to me and while I’ve technically forgiven him, I just can’t seem to let it go and still dwell on it all the time. Too often we think letting things go means trying not to think about it, but the first step might be living with the pain for a little while deliberately redirecting your attention toward building the life you want to build.
I’m currently an undergraduate studying psychology and I’m trying to figure out whether I want to spend the next 6-8 years of my life in graduate school to become a psychologist. My mom thinks it’s a good idea because it’s a stable, prestigious profession but my father thinks I’d be wasting the best years of my life in a lab. Any advice? Worry less about what your parents think and way more about what you want your day-to-day life to look like and whether or not you feel good about your job prospects.
How do I find my purpose? Pay attention to what pulls you forward and feels meaningful in small, repeated ways, and then move in that direction to see what happens.