Reader Mailbag: Fall 2025

Brief answers to recent reader questions:

Why do I get defensive all the time? Insecurity
How do I become more secure? Assertiveness
What do you think about the book The Body Keeps the Score? I was not impressed, mostly for reasons laid out here.
How do I find my passion? Get really good at something.
I’ve had insomnia for 30+ years, what should I do? Work with a professional.
What should I look for in a therapist? Every therapist will listen to you, few are willing to challenge you.
How do I become a more positive person? Spend more time around positive people.
What’s it like having four kids? Wild
How are you able to write so much? I enjoy it.
Are you a highly sensitive person? No
What’s your Myers-Briggs? INTJ
What’s your Enneagram? 8
How much stock do you put in personality tests? Not much
There are 3 people in my life who I strongly dislike but don’t understand why. Thoughts? There’s a line from the author Herman Hesse that I find helpful if not universally true: “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
I have a pornography addiction that I hate but can’t seem to stop. Any advice? Try to understand what emotional need that behavior fills, then find a more values-aligned way to get it met.
Is depression fake? No
I just went through a bad break up and I’m wondering how much I need to process the whole thing? Probably less than you think.
Why haven’t you written a book yet? Working on it.
Why can’t I ever relax? Maybe you don’t want to (a lot of people are afraid of relaxing because, for example, they have a core belief that they’re only worthwhile if they’re being productive, or because chronic busyness is a coping mechanism for depression, or because if they stopped working so much and relaxed more they’d be expected to form deeper more intimate relationships with people which they find terrifying).
I have a lot of political anxiety. What’s the best way to address this? Get involved.
Is “Don’t discuss politics or religion at family gatherings” a good rule? Depends how good your family is at discussing politics and religion.
In a recent article, you shared a reflection question along the lines of “What virtue is undersupplied in today’s world?” What’s your answer? The person who originally came up with that question, Nan Ransohoff, said vision, which I find pretty compelling.