Emotional Strength Training

The best psychological advice I ever got came from a physical therapist who said:

Nine times out of ten, chronic pain in one part of the body comes from weakness in another part. And the solution to that pain is strength, not relief.

For close to a year, I was having pain in my left leg whenever I tried to increase my mileage. My first instinct was to rest. Twice during that year, I took a full month off of running only for the exact same pain to come back as soon as I started back into running.

My next instinct was to stretch more. So I developed a pretty rigorous daily stretching regimen. And while the stretching definitely felt good, the leg pain persisted.

On top of the rest and stretching, I tried just about everything else I could think of: heat and ice, new shoes, custom orthotics, loading up on ibuprofen, etc. But nothing had much of an effect.

Finally, I managed to get an appointment with a physical therapist. After a surprisingly thorough assessment where she had me do a bunch of seemingly random exercises, stretches, and even gait analysis on a treadmill, she very matter of factly informed me that the pain in my left leg when running was most like the result of muscle weakness in my right leg.

Needless to say, the idea that my leg pain might be caused by muscle weakness had definitely not occurred to me and I was a bit taken aback. I mumbled out something about not understanding and she went on to describe a general principle that not only changed how I thought about running and my physical health, but my entire approach to emotional health too:

When one muscle is weak, the body recruits other muscles to compensate for that weakness. Over time, if the initial weakness isn’t addressed, the compensatory muscles—which are not designed to do the job of the first muscle—become inflamed and cause pain. Nine times out of ten, chronic pain in one part of the body comes from weakness in another part. And the solution to that pain is strength, not relief. Which is why all your rest and stretching didn’t help much and what you need to do is get stronger.

This was a revelation for me because it was an almost perfect analogy to what I’d been seeing for years in the world of therapy and then coaching:

A client is depressed, starts therapy to heal their inner child, briefly feels better because their therapist is extremely supportive and validating, but eventually reverts back to their typical pattern of depression.
Another client has panic attacks, gets a prescription for Xanax, feels relieved that they can finally fly on planes without anxiety again, but eventually needs increasingly larger doses of Xanax and feels less and less confident in their ability to handle their anxiety. So after a brief period of relief, their panic attacks are more intense and more frequent than ever.
Yet another client has chronic insomnia. On their executive coach’s recommendation, they adopt a complex sleep hygiene routine that involves rigid bed times, multiple supplements, and no blue light exposure three hours before bed time. They get a few nights of good sleep, but then the insomnia comes roaring back.

In each of these cases, the mistake is to confuse the symptom with the problem. A symptom is a sign or manifestation of the problem, not the problem itself.

The real problem in almost every emotional struggle involves a lack of strength in one or more psychological skills.

For example:

Anxiety is often a symptom of an assertiveness problem. Usually people who have trouble saying no and setting boundaries are afraid of conflict. And to avoid that conflict, they get in the habit of saying yes and people-pleasing which means taking on a lot of excess stress which then manifests as chronic worry and anxiety. In this case, the solution to anxiety isn’t Xanax or deep breathing exercises, it’s developing the courage to say no and to tolerate the emotional discomfort that goes with it. Anxiety is a signal that you need to strengthen your assertiveness muscle.
Depression is often a symptom of values confusion. For example, if you spend your whole life adopting the goals and values of other people in your life without taking the time to reflect on what’s truly important to you, you will end up living someone else’s life. Over time, this becomes quite literally depressing. So in this case, the solution to depression isn’t positive mantras or psychedelics— it’s values work: making a deliberate and consistent effort to get to know your personal values and taking steps to pursue them. Depression is a signal that you need to strengthen your self-awareness muscle.
Insomnia is often a symptom of an anxiety problem. If you can’t fall asleep at night because your mind is spinning with worries, all those worries will generate a lot of anxiety, which will directly interfere with your ability to fall and/or stay asleep. So in this case, the solution to insomnia isn’t Ambien or blackout shades, it’s strengthening your ability to tolerate fears and uncertainty without resorting to chronic worry. Insomnia is a signal that you need to strengthen your attentional control muscles.

Now, astute readers will probably be wondering:

You just said insomnia is a symptom of anxiety, but earlier you said anxiety was a symptom of low assertiveness. What’s the deal?

Often weaknesses stack up on each other. As I worked with my physical therapist on my leg pain, turns out the muscle weakness in my right leg was itself caused by a more fundamental weakness in my foot. And sure enough, as I worked to strengthen both my foot and leg muscles on the right side, the pain in my left leg disappeared—and this is key—because it wasn’t functional anymore. Similarly, your insomnia might be caused by worry associated with anxiety, which itself is caused by poor boundaries and fear of conflict.

The point is pain is functional. It’s trying to tell you something about an underlying problem. And while it’s understandable to want the pain to go away, the more important question is what that pain is trying to tell you. And almost always—physically and emotionally—pain is a sign that you need more strength, not relief.

In fact, most of my own philosophy of emotional health rests on this idea, which is why I’m fond of saying things like:

The underlying message in all of these sayings is to stop confusing pain for the underlying problem. Because all the energy you put into trying to stop the pain is energy you’re not putting into developing strength in the real area of weakness.

To wrap all this up, let me share a little aphorism you’ve probably all heard before:

Don’t shoot the messenger.

When you make emotions the target of your interventions, they will only intensify:

Rigidly coping with your anxiety teaches your brain to fear anxiety and make your overall anxiety much more intense.
Insisting that you shouldn’t feel angry only makes you guilty about your anger and your overall emotional distress much bigger.
Obsessively analyzing your insecurities only biases your attention further and further into the negative and makes you more likely to notice and get stuck on failures, mistakes, and errors.

So instead of trying to fix your pain, get curious about what it’s trying to tell you—what job it’s doing—and put your energy into that.

Finally, to make this a bit more practical, try this little fill-in-the-blank exercise:

I really struggle with ……………. (emotion), which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to …………. (mental or physical behavior)

NOTE: The second blank must be an action—something you can do. If your fill-in-the-blank was: I really struggle with panic, which might be telling me that I need to…. “Be less anxious” or “relax” are NOT good answers because they’re not specific behaviors or actions. But “practice validating my anxiety,” “reminding myself of my values,” or “refocusing my attention” are because you can literally do them and—most importantly—practice them.

Here are a few examples of what that might look like:

I really struggle with ANGER, which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to ADJUST UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE.
I really struggle with SADNESS AND LONELINESS, which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to BE VULNERABLE AND ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE TO CARE FOR ME.
I really struggle with IMPOSTER SYNDROME, which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to SPEAK IN PUBLIC.
I really struggle with PERFECTIONISM, which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION.
I really struggle with GUILT, which might be trying to tell me that I need to strengthen my ability to MANAGE MY ATTENTION.

All You Need to Know

The basic argument of this essay is pretty straightforward:

Difficult emotions like anxiety or shame feel bad, but they’re not the problem.
They’re a manifestation of a deeper underlying weakness in some core psychological skill or proficiency.
Addressing your emotional problems means identifying what that underlying weakness is and addressing it by making a deliberate plan to get stronger—which requires practice, patience, and the willingness to experience discomfort rather than trying to avoid it.
Your emotional health is primarily a function of your emotional fitness.

Next Steps

If you enjoyed this essay and are interested in learning more about emotional fitness and how to develop psychological strength, where are a few resources:

And if you’re interested in working with me directly, I run a semi-annual emotional resilience masterclass called Mood Mastery. I also accept a small number of private coaching clients.